Roadtrip
by Henchwenchesforhire
Summary: When the going gets tough, the tough get the hell out of town.
1. Chapter 1

_Permission to archive: __All you have to do is ask. _

_Spoilers: There ain't none y'all_

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Gladrial's Notes: After working together on a couple of pieces, and apart on several, I think Sno-Chan and I have come a long way. We're more confident in our work and are very excited to bring you this, our latest collaboration. We plan on presenting this fic with one chapter per week. The story takes place early in the Joker/Harley relationship. _

_Sno-Chan's Notes: Basically, my editing's gotten tighter and Gladrial's mastered the art of writing chunks of words in-between dialogue. Anyway, this story is quite heavily based on some of our own experiences, both recently and in the past, of traveling long distances through boring stretches of land. This is undoubtedly our finest work to date, so please enjoy._

"Just you wait until I get you home, Harley. Just you wait," Joker vowed threateningly.

The cops were on their tail and he just couldn't seem to shake them tonight. Oh, he had lost some of them without a problem but it seemed no matter what corner he turned or what tricked he tried, there'd be another set of flashing lights waiting to chase him down. It was bad enough hearing those sirens blaring without Harley wailing over top of them. She wasn't just crying either; she was throwing an all out temper tantrum, kicking her feet like a spoiled five-year-old who was just denied a candy bar at the checkout counter. All he wanted to do was kick her out of the car…then maybe back it up over her head, but he didn't have an opportunity with the GCPD barreling down his throat.

"All I wanted was to go out! Just like everybody else!" she managed to get out in the middle of her fit. Harley knew he was too busy to deal with her right now and she was too angry to care about the future ramifications.

"I'm not everybody else!" he argued back. "We're out, aren't we?!"

"You call this a date?!" she screeched in disbelief.

He was about to try and see if he could manage to open the passenger door and shove her out while driving, when yet another set of sirens appeared in the rearview mirror. "GODDAMMIT!" he cursed while banging his hands on the steering wheel in frustration.

If this continued much longer they were going to have the Bat to contend with and he just wasn't prepared for that. What was making them so persistent tonight? Typically, all he'd have to do was drive in a way that clearly put people in danger. Scared of endangering innocent lives, the cops would normally back off and try a different tactic, giving him time to think, and he happened to know for a fact that he'd already caused some injuries if not deaths in this particular chase.

He turned on the radio to hopefully find a clue to this development and was annoyed at how loud he had to turn it up to be heard over both the sirens and Harley. After flipping past several songs, he caught a news bulletin. _Citizens needed to clear the roads_, blah blah blah. _Suspect to be considered armed and extremely dangerous_, yadda yadda. _Murder of the mayor's daughter_…

"WHAT?!" Joker screamed at news woman reporting on the other end of the radio. He knew this must be referring to the teenage girl he had killed earlier that evening, but he hadn't realized she was anyone of any importance. Typically, it would have been very funny, but something like that deserved a much grander scheme, something very thought out. It did explain why the pursuit was so relentless though.

"This is all your fault!" he blamed Harley instantly.

"My fault?!" she shot back incredulously.

"_You_ were the one that crammed that stick of dynamite down her throat," he reminded her.

"YOU told me to! AND you lit it!" she screamed at wit's end.

The sirens were still flashing behind them and clearly up ahead there were more waiting. He was driving into a barricade. "Shit," he said under his breath, looking around for another way out, when he caught one of the many bascule bridges crossing the harbor out of the corner of his eye. The barrier was down indicating that it was on the rise. There weren't any boats in the harbor so he knew it was an order issued by the police to block any escape attempts. Right now the incline was very slight.

"I can make that," he said to himself as he violently switched gears, heading for the bridge.

Realizing what he was about to do, Harley quickly shut off her tantrum as any spoiled five-year-old knows how to do. "Puddin', no! Please don't!" she pleaded. He didn't regard her with so much as a 'shut up' and plowed through the flimsy retractable gate arm blocking the bridge.

They were driving rapidly at an ever increasing incline. Harley was screaming at the top of her lungs as they cleared the end of their side of the bridge, flew through the air, and landed roughly on the other side, rear wheels first, followed by the front.

"I am the most amazing man alive!" he shouted in triumph. "Eat your heart out Bats! C'mon Harl," he was willing to forget his anger at her for the moment. "You've got to admit, that was an astounding getaway. Feel free to thank me."

She glared at him stone-faced and angrily crossed her arms over her chest as she slouched down in her seat, set to full pout mode.

"You want a date?" he asked darkly. "Fine!" Joker abruptly pulled in front of the first establishment he saw. He roughly pulled her over the gear shift and out the driver's door by the arm, dragging her into the store.

Despite the rough treatment, Harley instantly perked up upon viewing their location. "Sno-cones!" she sang cheerily. The other patrons were shocked at the new arrivals and several tried to make an exit. Joker indicated that they should retake their seats by raising his gun and waving them away from the door with it.

"I shouldn't have to explain this to you," he regarded Harley with contempt. "You're an adult. You know who I am but since you choose not to understand, I'm going to illustrate my point as plainly as possible." He then started shouting orders to customers around him. They included things like 'Flip the close sign', 'Shut the blinds', 'Turn off the lights', 'Lock the doors', and 'Don't be stupid; put down your phone'. Clearly, his point was how difficult it was for him to make any kind of normal outing.

"ORDER!" he demanded of Harley while he made a phone call on his cell. Harley asked for a half watermelon, half bubblegum sno-cone.

"Uh…Does he want anything?" the nervous cash register attendant asked her while nodding toward the Joker.

"One with everything," he answered, after overhearing the question in-between delivering instructions to someone on the other end of the phone.

"…Everything?" the attendant asked, in order to clarify such an odd order.

"Do you speak English?" he returned insultingly.

They quickly got to work on both orders, tiny amounts of each syrup being added to Joker's sno-cone. Harley was handed a half red, half pink one, while Joker was handed something that more or less resembled mud. He threw some money at the counter.

"Y-you're paying?" the attendant said in shock.

"Yes, I'm paying! If I don't, _she'll_ say this doesn't count!" he looked at Harley venomously, who was sitting on a tall stool, swinging her dangling feet while enjoying her treat.

So the two clowns settled down to eat their sno-cones infront of their frightened, and quite bewildered, hostages, all of who were well aware of how gruesome these particular criminals could be. After several minutes, the patrons were wondering when or if they'd be allowed to leave when a large man appeared at the door, peering through the glass and knocking. Joker unlocked the door and allowed him in.

"Ya wanted me boss?" the man asked.

Harley tilted her head curiously at the man. "Rocko, what are you doing here?"

"Da boss called me…" he started to explain before being silenced by the Joker.

"Rocko is going to stay behind and keep everyone in here for as long as possible so no one gets any funny ideas until we're safely away all because of your little fit. I hope I've made myself very clear on this matter, Harley, and don't think you aren't going to be punished when we get home." After this speech, Joker looked as though he was trying very hard to recall something that was just on the tip of his tongue, but the thought wasn't cooperating. "Now…what were we doing?" he asked.

"Um…Running from the cops, Puddin'. Remember?" Harley answered timidly now that her anger had subsided.

"Shit! The car!" He did remember now. It's funny how unimportant it was a moment ago, but he still had that car to worry about. Everyone would be looking for it and he was surprised they hadn't been busted yet. Obviously, a switch in vehicles was required.

"Who would like to donate their car to a worthy cause?" he inquired of the store's patrons. …No one answered. "Well, you're a rather stingy lot, aren't you?" He randomly picked a young woman from the crowd. "Keys! Now!" he ordered.

"Do we really need a new car?" Harley asked meekly. "Ours has all the gadgets."

"Harl, the car is PURPLE!" he answered in a raised voice.

The nervous woman fumbled through her purse quickly, trying to find where her keys were buried, while Joker angrily snapped his fingers at her in frustration. "Forget it!" he finally shouted as he grabbed the purse from her and stalked out the door, Harley following closely behind. Joker emerged with the keys, tossed Harley the purse, and headed for the car the woman had hurriedly indicated.

Harley began exploring the car from the passenger seat as Joker shifted out of park, driving away from the store. In the back seat she found a variety of textbooks. "Mistah J, I think we just stole a car belonging to a criminal law student…or somethin'," she commented, deciphering this simply from the books' covers.

"Well, maybe she'll wisely look into another career after her little experience."

Harley picked up one of the books, eying it curiously. "I could be wrong though. They're all written in French."

"French?" Joker asked, confused. "…Are you telling me we stole a fucking frog's car?"

"Looks like it," Harley admitted.

"Kick ASS!" Joker hung his head out of the car window and started shouting, "U.S.A! U.S.A!" while honking the horn in time with each letter, not thinking of how dangerous it was to attract attention to himself right now.

Harley started digging through the purse Joker had taken from the now established French woman and came across her passport. "Puddin', she isn't French. She's Canadian," Harley revealed, sorry to burst his bubble.

"Harley," he began in a tone that suggested he was about to pass on great wisdom. "Don't let them fool you. French Canadians are just as bad as the real thing."

At that moment, a stream of police cars passed by them as they ducked down as low in their seats as possible. Someone must have finally spotted their abandoned car. A grim realization spread across Joker's face and he sped toward the nearest turnoff that merged with the highway running around the city. Harley watched the city disappear behind them before building up the courage to ask where they were going.

Joker responded by snapping, "China, the MOON, I don't fucking know!" Harley wisely shut up and they drove in silence for awhile until he decided to pull over on the side of the road. "You drive," he instructed. "I need to think." They switched places and he started massaging his temples as though he could force an idea to surface.

It was always difficult for him to focus on one thought. Everything in his brain always seemed to be scrambling for his immediate attention. Tonight the prominent thought that was pushing anything productive out the way was how angry he was to be forced out of his city. Sure, Batman tried to claim it as his own, but everyone knew better. Batman tried to control Gotham. Tame it. Joker allowed it to exist as it naturally wished: in chaos. He knew that the city embraced him while it tried valiantly to expel the Bat. Sometimes, he wondered if Gotham didn't create him for just that purpose. And now, _he_ was the one being forced away, leaving both him and Gotham City not feeling quite complete.

Harley drove aimlessly as she waited for further instructions. Joker was eventually able to come to terms with the reality of situation and finally spoke up, "Y'know, Lex still owes me a favor."

"Who's that?" Harley asked innocently.

Joker looked at her as though he was sitting next to an idiot. "Luthor. Lex Luthor. The multi-billionaire. You might have heard of him," he explained in an insulting tone.

Harley's jaw dropped. It never occurred to her that was who he was referring to. Of course, there had been rumors that the two of them had been involved in the past, but she, like the rest of the world, had assumed that they were started mostly by Joker just trying to mess with the successful tycoon.

"Ya…ya know him?" she asked in awe.

Joker perked up a bit at the sound in her voice indicating that she was impressed. "Oh, sure. Me and Lexie go way back. Hates Superman, y'know."

"Really?" Harley responded, thoroughly engaged.

"You have no idea. Why I remember this one time we were screwing with the Justice League from this satellite he had built. It was cloaked of course. Not nearly as fun as you'd think, floating around in space, but I was willing to go with the flow-"

"You were in space?! _Outer_ space?!" she interrupted.

He shrugged. "We were barely out of Earth's atmosphere really, but anyway we had blown up Superman and that…green alien guy…whatever idiotic name he came up for himself…"

"You fought Superman?!" Harley interrupted again, and it was beginning to get on his nerves. She had seen some minor run-ins they'd had through the media of course, but the thought had never really sunk in until now.

"Well of course I have! Honestly, who hasn't these days?"

"But he's so big and strong and he flies and he has the ray eye…thingies," she continued, beyond thrilled at this revelation.

"Yes, the word 'super' kind of implies all that," he replied, irritated.

"Wow!" Her voice suddenly dropped to a whisper as she admitted with a giggle, "I used to have a poster of him on my wall." Joker looked disgusted, but Harley didn't notice as she continued to prattle on. "And I used to worship Wonder Woman. I dressed up as her for Halloween when I was six. Have you met her? Do you think I will?! That'd be incredible! Do you think I'm ever gonna have to rumble with Superman? I don't think I could deal with that. I mean, Batman's one thing, but _Superman_?..."

Joker angrily raised his foot, quickly bringing it to her side of the car and slammed the brakes. Cars behind them honked and swerved out of the way. "Now you listen to me and you listen good," he began dangerously. "You think I'm in the minor leagues? Is that what you think?! Batman can piss on Superman any day of the week. Do you understand? Despite the fact that you and the rest of the world thinks that Superman is the shit means nothing. The entire League, _Superman_ included, look to Bats constantly with fear in their eyes. I've _seen_ it. I hope and pray, Harley, that you meet him one day just so you can see what a lightweight he is in comparison. Superman, with his 'can't bend the rules' and flying you off to the nearest hospital as soon as he gives you bruise… Does that sound like anything Bats would do?!"

"N-no sir," Harley stammered nervously. Joker glared at her briefly before lifting his foot and letting her continue on down the highway.

Joker sighed. "I don't suppose you can be blamed. It's the media's fault. And it's Bat's nature to stay out from the public eye after all. He should consider getting a publicist."

Harley avoided the topic and moved on to their destination. "So…Metropolis?" she asked.

"Metropolis," Joker confirmed. A vacation wouldn't be so bad. At least he'd get to see the look on Lex's face when he showed up.

_Gladrial's End Notes: I'd like to point out that this chapter in no way is my attempt to join the hoards of Superman bashers claiming that Batman could take him down blindfolded. (Actually, I think the winner in such a match would really depend on the situation.) I think Supes is spifferiffic but I think we can all agree that this would be Joker's point of view. _

_Also, we have nothing against the French or Canadians. That was simply a dig at our dear friend TheMadPuppy who brought us all together in JHQ love. We're sure she's big enough to take the joke. We love you, Marianne!_

_Finally, as Metropolis's placement in the country has never been truly established (it seems to be ever changing depending on the medium and the writer), we feel it important to give you some sense of geography. So, for this story's purpose, Gotham is located around New Jersey and Metropolis has been given a Chicagoish placement. _

_Longest. End Notes. Ever._

_Sno-Chan's End Notes: They certainly were. A lotta apologizing in there too. Anyway, while the main idea for the story was originally mine (more on that in later author's notes) the large majority of this chapter was sprung completely from Gladrial's pretty little head. Everything was going great until one day she came home from work with the most awful tale of how "The Survivor" canon was screwing with this plot and she was all dramatic there for a bit until she figured out how she was gonna do it. She so crazy. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Beta: __Sno-Chan_

_Permission to archive: __All you have to do is ask. _

_Spoilers: There ain't none y'all_

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Gladrial's Notes: How many people think the Joker would make a pleasant travel companion? …Yeah, I didn't think so either._

_Sno-Chan's Notes: Fun trivia for you...So Amanda and I found out during writing this that, this is insane, outside of the south grocery carts are just referred to as...carts! We call them buggies down here. "Get the buggy, y'all." Crazy. I almost didn't catch it!_

"I'm afraid the game plan is going to be lying low for awhile," Joker explained to Harley. He hated laying low. It wasn't his nature and Lord knew his appearance didn't help matters much. Still, he had no choice; there was an all out manhunt going for him. Not only did he not want his freedom taken, but he didn't think Lex would really appreciate having the law follow him to his front door. "That means you are going to have to get us whatever we need on this trip."

Silently, Harley thought,_ That's the way it always is anyway._

"We're going to have to keep to the back roads and, unfortunately, we're going to have to watch the body count," he concluded solemnly.

Joker positioned his seat back as far as it would go, still leaving him with little foot room. He kicked angrily at the cramped area. Being so tall sometimes had its disadvantages. Knowing there was nothing that could be done about it he tried to sleep, which was rather silly as he had trouble sleeping even when comfortable.

Harley drove on in silence for awhile until the urge to sleep was beginning to overcome her as well. She glanced over at Joker. His eyes were closed but she was fairly certain he was still awake.

She cleared her throat experimentally before speaking. "P-Puddin'?"

"I'm sleeping," he declared in a way that clearly indicated he was not.

"I know. It's just…I'm kinda sleepy myself," she admitted.

"Sucks to be you," he responded and the car fell silent once more.

Harley drove on drowsily for about fifteen minutes until she started developing tunnel vision. She needed something to keep her going so she turned on the radio, only to have Joker turn it off again a split second later.

She shook her head repeatedly to keep herself awake but caught herself drifting off repeatedly regardless. She'd quickly awake with a start and knew this couldn't continue much longer.

"P-Puddin'?" she began again.

"No talking," he instructed.

"But-," she continued and was interrupted with his hand smacking her upside the head.

That woke her up for a little while, but it did not save them from an accident. Harley had fallen asleep at the wheel and drifted out of her lane. She didn't wake up until they felt the switch in terrain under the car, indicating they were off road. They both sat up abruptly as Harley frantically swerved. She saved them from fully slamming into a tree on the side of the road, but it still met with the front passenger side corner of the car before coming to a stop. The damage was minimal: only a smashed headlight and some body work.

Harley had her hand clamped over her mouth in shock and fearfully gauged Joker's reaction. Surprisingly, he seemed to shrug off the incident. It had been one of those days and, after all, it wasn't his car anyway.

He turned to her and asked in a perturbed manner, "Harley, if you were tired, why didn't you say something?"

"I-I…" she stammered in bewilderment and ultimately decided not to start an argument. "…I don't know."

"Let's get out of here before a 'good Samaritan' tries to give us a hand. Think you can make it to the next rest stop?"

Harley nodded and they merged back onto the highway and pulled into the next rest stop. They parked into an out of the way corner of the lot, thinking it would more than likely remain vacant, and fitfully slept away the next few hours.

---

Neither Joker nor Harley slept very long in such uncomfortable accommodations. The stirring of one woke the other and they both were up before the sun. The rest stop was completely empty at such an ungodly hour.

Harley was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes when Joker proclaimed, "I need a screwdriver!"

"Huh-wha?" Harley sleepily mumbled.

"I need a screwdriver. A screwdriver is essential," he restated.

"…Like the drink?" she asked in confusion.

"No, like the tool," he clarified. "It's not even five in the morning. Are you some kind of lush?"

"Okay then," Harley agreed, despite the fact she had no idea why he so desperately wanted a screwdriver. She tried not to ask too many questions because he tended to treat her like an imbecile when she did and, more often than not, she wasn't answered anyway. "I'll get ya one at the nearest Wal-Mart or…" She drifted off.

"What's the problem?" he asked in exasperation. There was always something.

Harley indicated the spandex she was wearing. She wasn't exactly inconspicuous at the moment and she had nothing to change into. How was she going to go anywhere looking like this? He had often commented that running errands was all she was good for and now she couldn't even do that. She looked on the verge of tears.

"For God's sake, don't start crying!" Joker ordered. "You make the most irritating noises when you cry. Let me think." Harley tried to consent to his wishes with a sniff. "…The Frenchie…She was about your size, right?"

Harley lit up instantly. "Yeah! And she's not from here so she must be traveling."

"Check the trunk for a suitcase," he instructed. She dashed to the trunk and circled to the passenger window, displaying a suitcase to her Puddin' with a triumphant look on her face, before leaving the car to change clothes in the public bathrooms provided at the rest stop. Once inside, she used an abundance of paper towels to scrub her face thoroughly in an attempt to remove the white makeup before changing. Harley was now wearing a pair of pink pants as well as a black lacy top and paused to admire herself in the mirror before skipping back to the car with the suitcase.

Apparently, Joker had taken advantage of the vacant rest stop too. Harley saw him returning to the car ahead of her and tossing his jacket and gloves in the back seat. He had strands of wet green hair in his face from his meager attempts at grooming without toiletries.

"Ready?" she asked as they retook their seats.

"I'm starving," he complained immediately.

"We'll get something to eat soon, Puddin'," she soothed. There was always something.

---

Harley drove on down the highway and it didn't take long before they spotted signs for a town. She took that exit and, sure enough, there was a twenty-four hour Wal-Mart.

"They're so convenient," Harley commented.

"They're fucking everywhere, is what they are," Joker returned. "People worry about me, but they're allowing Wal-Mart to take over the whole damn country without a fight. Makes no sense."

There were very few cars in the parking lot but Harley chose a distant corner anyway to be safe. Before leaving the car, she turned to him with concern in her eyes. "Now Puddin', I'm going to go get supplies. We're going to need quite a few things. You're not going to want to wear the same suit through this whole trip and we're going to need toiletries. We don't have so much as a toothbrush between us."

"I know the situation, Harl. What's your point?" he asked, annoyed. It was irritating enough being in their position without hearing her restate it.

She took his hand in one of hers, stroking it softly with the other. "My point is: this is going to take me a little while. …You're going to be bored."

The thought hadn't occurred to him until now. He hated waiting for anything. Patient he was not. And what was he supposed to do? Twiddle his thumbs? "How long do you think you'll be?" he asked.

"I dunno…twenty minutes, maybe." He groaned loudly and Harley squeezed his hand. "I know. I know. Be strong, my big man. I'll go as quickly as I can. Promise me, you'll stay in the car. Promise!"

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled as he laid the seat back in order to further conceal himself.

Harley started toward the store before turning back, knocking on the passenger window, whichhe rolled it down. "Phillips or flathead?" she asked, glad to have thought of the question before reaching the store.

"A flathead of course!" he answered, as though she'd have to be daft to not have known that.

Harley hurried into the store, grabbed a cart, and went to work. The hardest part was choosing clothes for Joker. Given the situation, she doubted he'd be picky, but finding anything that'd fit would be next to impossible. She hurried through each department, quickly throwing what was needed into the cart and moving on, all the while worried that her Mistah J was going to do something foolish out of boredom.

---

Back in the car, Joker was trying desperately to pass the time. He picked up one of the text books from the back seat, then quickly remembered he couldn't read any of them as they were in a foreign language, and so took to ripping out sheets instead. He wasn't quite sure why ripping up a book seemed the thing to do at the time. Perhaps it was just his violent nature being taken out on the nearest object he could find. Whatever the reason, the moment passed quickly and he found himself trying to figure out what to do once again.

His mind drifted to Batman as it often did. He wondered what Bats was doing right now. "He's probably not stuck in some damn Wal-Mart parking lot," he complained out loud. _Probably spending time with someone else,_ he thought. _…Maybe Eddie…or Two-Face._ "I hate you, Harvey!" he yelled to no one. "And I'm still hungry!"

He was beginning to wonder if someone could literally die of boredom when he decided to check his watch. Surely, Harley would be back soon, but he was shocked to find that only four minutes had passed! He started banging the back of his head on the head rest in frustration until suddenly he had a great idea.

---

After making her purchases, Harley ran the cart back to the car. The notably _vacant_ car. "Oh no! No, no, no, no! You promised!" she cried to the empty passenger seat. She frantically surveyed the parking lot, but he was nowhere in sight. The only thing she could think to do was to get in the car and go searching for him. He couldn't have gotten far on foot.

She hurried to throw their supplies in the trunk, but as soon as she opened it, a figure jumped out at her making horrible noises. Harley screamed, throwing the bags she was carrying in the air, and fell to the pavement in fright, before realizing who it was.

"Now _that_ was worth waiting twenty minutes for," Joker laughed from the trunk.

"That wasn't funny, Mistah J!" She pouted and started recollecting the items that had scattered across the ground.

"I beg to differ," he retorted.

"You're gonna haveta drive so I can take the hems out on the pants I bought for you," she changed subjects.

"Food. I want food!" he changed the subject yet again.

"Alright, alright. First we'll get you something to eat and then I'll fix your pants," she agreed.

"No, first get my screwdriver," he ordered, then pointed out a car closer to the store and told her to park next to it. After complying with his wishes he instructed her to switch license plates with the car.

"OH! I see!" Harley took the screwdriver and quickly went to work on both cars.

Joker knew their stolen car would be reported by now and they'd know who had taken it. If any cop stumbled across their car matching its description, they would see that the license plates did not, giving them extra protection. With any luck, they wouldn't go so far as to type it in. And the dented fender from Harley's accident ironically helped in the same way. And with that bit of ingenuity, they were back on the road.

_Gladrial's End Notes: Coming up with the mechanics of how they were going to manage traveling cross-country without arousing any attention was a pain and a half! But it all worked out in the end._

_Sno-Chan's End Notes: Marianne won my "Sob Story" contest at JokerxHarley a while back and her prize was a cameo appearance in this fic. Gladrial and I have been giggling non-stop over her puzzling at our requests for details of her favorite articles of clothing, because she was quite certain her guest appearance involved a grisly death. So why on earth would we need to know these things...? Happy Cameo Appearance Day, Marianne! (That should totally be an actually holiday. Or at least a themed marathon on TV Land.)_


	3. Chapter 3

_Beta: Sno-Chan_

_Disclaimer: DC own these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Gladrial's Notes: This is the chapter that started it all, folks. Sno-Chan presented this story idea of Harley in some small town store to me one day and it was only intended to be a one shot. Obviously things got out of hand after that as we both started throwing ideas at each other. All for the better, I say!_

_Sno-Chan's Notes: Traveling through the Midwest you come across a whole lot of places exactly like this, with this same attitude, especially in the smaller mountain towns. ("Outlanders!") Not that I personally encountered any hostility: My southern accent doesn't become at all out of place until we hit Wisconsin. Odd._

Harley had purchased them some breakfast biscuits at the nearest fast food stop and they both ate while attending to the tasks at hand: Joker driving and Harley lengthening pants.

"I did the best I could, Puddin'. There's still no way these are long enough," she commented while looking at her handiwork.

"Doesn't matter so long as I can change," he said before taking another bite into his biscuit.

At this point they had turned off the highway and started on the seldom-used back roads. Harley had bought a map along with their other supplies and was desperately trying to make sense of it all, but it didn't take long before Joker scolded her for poor navigational skills and demanded they switch places. She pulled over and he took the opportunity to change clothes in the back seat before switching. Harley was right about the length; his ankles were still clearly exposed.

As Joker gave directions, Harley occasionally tried to start up a conversation. Unfortunately, the only thing she'd seen for miles was fields of corn so she'd periodically comment on it: "Look at all the corn", "I've never seen so much corn", "I bet Professah Crane would like it here…with the corn."

"You know what's worse than seeing nothing but fields of corn for hours, Harl?" Joker finally snapped, since ignoring her didn't seem to be working. "Hearing someone talk about nothing but corn."

"But I'm _bored_," she whined. "Talk to me. We used to talk all the time…course I was being paid to…"

"I'm thirsty. There. I said something."

"You want me to get you a drink?" she asked perkily. At least it'd be something different than driving.

"That's usually the best thing to do when one is thirsty, or so I've been told," he answered sarcastically.

"Okay, I'll pull into the next place I see. We need gas anyway."

---

Eventually they came across a gas station and Joker leaned his seat back once again, even though they were the only ones there, as Harley pulled in.

"I need some money, Puddin'."

"…Why?" he asked, confused.

"For the gas and your drink," she reminded him. She could tell his mind was elsewhere.

"Just shoot whoever's there and take it," he instructed, a bit irritated that he seemed to have to keep going over this sort of thing with her.

"But…you said we couldn't do that."

He reflected on this a moment before replying, "…That doesn't sound at all like something I'd say."

"We're supposed to be laying low, remember? Like you said," she supplied, trying to jog his memory.

"OH! Right, right." He reached into his pocket, pulled out a very full wallet, and handed her some bills.

Harley walked into the small, rundown establishment. There was a dumpy woman sitting behind the register, browsing through a magazine. She had obviously given up on trying to keep up her appearance long ago and regarded Harley, who always tried to look her best, with disgust when she walked in. The fact that she was clearly from the city didn't seem to help the woman's attitude toward her much.

"We don't carry none of those…whatcha call 'em…prophylactics," she drawled to Harley, who was searching the aisles.

"What?" Harley asked, peeking above one of the aisles.

"And this is a dry county," she continued with a scowl before returning to her magazine.

Harley stood there confused for a moment before deciding to ignore the woman and returned to her task. She picked up some snacks before turning to the freezers. "Don't you have anything other than Coke and RC?" she asked the attendant.

"I told ya, this is a dry county."

"I heard you the first time," Harley replied coldly. "I was looking for Soder. My Puddin' prefers Soder."

"Nope," the woman answered shortly.

Harley sighed, picked up two cokes, and approached the counter, paying for her items and the gas. She returned to the car and handed Joker the items before beginning to pump the gas. Joker stuck his head out of the window. "This isn't Soder," he complained.

"I know. It's all they had," she explained.

"Who the hell doesn't carry Soder?" he asked, thoroughly annoyed.

"A backwater town like this, apparently," Harley answered before asking cautiously, "…Puddin' why do you think everyone I meet automatically assumes I'm some kind of whore?"

"Now _that's_ a good topic of conversation," he answered with a grin. "Let's discuss, shall we?"

She scowled at him. "You really are a jerk sometimes, you know that?"

"No," he corrected her. "I really am a jerk _all _of the time. They say you should go with your strengths."

At that moment, Harley saw a sheriff's car pulling into the gas station. "Mistah J, get down!" she hissed. He receded from view as much as possible, while Harley wished the gas would pump faster. She tried to look as uninteresting as possible as the Sheriff exited his vehicle, but it didn't stop him from noticing such an attractive new face…not that he was really looking at her face. Harley cringed as the man swaggered toward her.

"Hey there, little lady," the sheriff greeted her. "Where you headed?"

"Uh…Metropolis," she answered, feeling that it was safe enough answer. After all, people headed there everyday.

"You're an awful long way from the interstate. Need directions?"

"No, no, I'm good. Taking the scenic route." Harley was beginning to panic. She knew all the man had to do was give a side look toward the car and he'd clearly see who was inside, despite Joker's efforts. Fortunately, the man's line of sight seemed fixated at her legs at the moment. Harley wisely decided that she needed to get away from the vehicle so headed back into the establishment. The sheriff followed behind her, clearly enjoying the view.

"Whatcha need now?" the rude woman asked.

"I suddenly was in the mood for a candy bar," Harley answered and placed one on the counter.

"Earl!" the woman's attention suddenly shifted to the Sheriff. "Put your eyes back in your head! I called you here because I was robbed last night, not so you could go sight seein'."

Harley rushed out the door and back to the car after the man's attention had been averted.

"You certainly attract a lot of attention," Joker commented in annoyance once they were back on the road.

"Sorry. Next time you decide to recruit a henchwoman, maybe you should consider a fat chick," Harley replied sarcastically.

Joker instantly pictured a large woman crammed into Harley's jester costume and erupted in laugher. "Not bad, Harl," he giggled. "Not bad."

_Gladrial's End Notes: For those of you going, "What the hell is Soder?", it is a drink occasionally seen in the DC comics/cartoons that is not at all like Coke/Pepsi. Please don't sue them. Fortunately, we unpaid writer's need not worry about such things. And for those of you wondering what the point of this chapter was, allow me to enlighten you: It's funny! …Actually that's pretty much the point of the entire story once I think about it._

_Sno-Chan's End Notes: I came back from a concert of some sort with the words "Harley…small town store…?" scrawled sideways on one of my notebooks, but no idea what I had been thinking. I tossed the idea to Gladrial a few days later who was all "lol wut" and we giggled over a few concepts, including Harley getting heat for bein' "cityfolk", the place only having RC Cola (EW!), and a leering sheriff. (Whom I personally imagine looking like that one from "Squirm".) _

_Of course, like most of my gags, it turned into a full-blown story, with even too many ideas to fit into one fic! Seriously, I throw these crazy lines out there to make Gladrial laugh and she comes back from work with all sorts of good ideas involving them._

_An Extra Note: Some of you have been commenting about Joker's cursing, and we'd liketo go ahead and address that here. Characterization is __extremely__ important to us, paramount you might say, and we do not shape the characters for our story but rather we shape our story to the characters that DC have lovingly provided us with. Nothing these guys do is anything we can't see them doing in a licensed piece, albeit with a more in-depth view, and we've had plenty of headaches trying to get Joker from here to there without changing him one iota. If you're familiar with his character in the modern age (which I'm assuming you are) you'll notice that he does actually curse quite often in the comics, though his harsher ones are bleeped out by silly symbols due to Standards issues. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Beta: Sno-Chan _

Permission to archive: All you have to do is ask.

Spoilers: There ain't none y'all

Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world.

Gladrial's Notes: You know how these long car drives are. You must find some way to entertain yourself: music, car games, roadkill… And just what is it with girls and horses anyway?

Sno-Chan's Notes: I never went through the horse phase. Straight from kitty cats to dragons. 

As Harley continued driving, Joker would occasionally give her the honor of a conversation though normally the topic was himself. They'd sometimes even agree on a song playing on the radio and basically it wasn't an unpleasant few hours, or at least as unpleasant as being on the run through field after field of corn, without the release of killing anything, could be.

Dusk was setting in as they were enjoying another song and poking fun of the backwater radio announcer when Harley suddenly swerved on the road, coming to a stop.

"What?! What happened?!" Joker asked while darting his head around trying to find the reason for her action.

"I almost hit a bunny!" Harley said aghast.

Joker gaped at her. "…You're joking."

"No! I almost did! Didn't you see it?!"

"I'M DRIVING!" he shouted and started shoving her out of the unopened driver's door, her face repeatedly meeting with the window before she managed to reach the handle and tumble out.

She sulked her way over to the passenger's side droopily. "I'm sorry, Puddin'. It was just a reflex. Bunnies are cute," she explained as she took her seat.

"Shut it! I'll show you how it's done," he stated with maniacal glint in his eye as he restarted the car and shortly thereafter hit a squirrel. "That's three points for me," he cheerfully congratulated himself while Harley looked mournful of the poor squirrel's departure. Fifteen minutes later, he came across a rabbit and went out of his way to hit it as well, hoping it was the same animal that Harley had striven to avoid. "Another three points! Are you tallying this up, Harl?"

Harley sighed. "Yes, Mistah J."

Joker spent the next two hours actively trying to hit any piece of meat that was stupid enough to attempt stepping onto the pavement. Harley was reading a cheap, trashy romance novel she had purchased at Wal-Mart and tallying his roadkill score in the margins of the book, occasionally congratulating him on another glorious victory over the animal kingdom.

"I hit an armadillo, Harley!" he said excitedly. "They're bigger so that's five points."

"Good job, Puddin'," Harley said with little enthusiasm, as she was caught up in her book. "They carry leprosy y'know."

"…You mean, if I had let it live, it could have given someone a flesh eating disease?" he asked and then slapped her smartly. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

Harley rubbed her struck cheek. "Sorry!" she exclaimed.

---

Darkness had fully engulfed them as the night wore on and was even more extreme on the unlit back roads. Harley yawned and Joker seemed to be nodding off himself. The mere three hours sleep the night before was not going to hold them much longer.

"I'm not sleeping in this car again," Joker stated when he realized they were going to have to pull over soon.

"I don't think we can risk a hotel," Harley returned sensibly.

"I'm _not_ sleeping in this car again," he repeated more forcefully.

Harley looked disgruntled and thought hard for a solution. Her eyes fell on her paperback romance novel and she lit up. "Puddin', I have an idea!"

---

"Hell no!" Joker exclaimed defiantly when he realized what Harley was suggesting.

Harley had already parked the car within a cornfield, keeping it well hidden behind the tall stalks, and they were both standing in front of a barn.

"A barn? Are you insane?!" Joker demanded. "What the hell gave you this idea anyway?"

Harley had quite the opposite attitude and seemed excited about the whole venture. She gleefully revealed her book in answer to his question.

"I'm sorry I asked," he responded with a sneer to the two windswept lovers on the book's cover.

"Y'see, the heroine is forbidden to see her lover," she explained despite his obvious indifference as he made his way back to the car, Harley following behind. "So there's a scene where they secretly meet in the loft of a barn. It's…" She was interrupted by Joker's hand being clasped over her mouth.

"Oh. My. God. Stop talking!" he ordered at wit's end.

Harley looked extremely disappointed. "So we're sleeping in the car again?"

"NO! I already told you we weren't," he answered.

"Well…what other option do we have?" she asked.

Joker leaned his back against the car, thinking and ultimately coming up with nothing. After a few moments he stalked angrily back toward the barn's entrance.

"YAY!" Harley exclaimed. "I'll be right there. Let me change into some jammies." She quickly changed in the car and joined her man at the barn door.

Joker peeked inside. "I don't like this. Me and animals don't get along…unless I'm hitting them, y'know, with a car, or a pipe, or a bullet, anything really. …What the _hell _are you wearing?" he asked when he viewed her newly changed clothes.

She was decked in a teddy bear print shirt with matching pants and fuzzy teddy bear slippers. "Isn't it cute!" she squeaked. "Frenchie has an adorable sense of fashion." Before Joker could respond to the ridiculous garb, her attention was quickly averted. "HORSIES!" she shouted and pushed her way past him into the barn.

He entered in after Harley, finding her stroking the nose of one of the barn's two horses. He was somewhat relieved to see that there were only two of the animals.

"Puddin', can we get a horse?" Harley asked as Joker passed her on his way to ladder leading up to the loft.

"Sure," he answered sarcastically. "And we'll use one of the many underworld stables in Gotham."

Harley giggled at the silly notion as she followed him up the ladder.

"I never would have thought I'd spend a night sleeping in hay," he reflected as he lay down.

"I bet Professah Crane would like it here…with the straw," Harley commented.

"Don't start that again!" Joker exclaimed in annoyance.

Harley attempted to snuggle close and Joker instantly pushed her away. "But Puddin', it's chilly," Harley complained which was true enough, the early fall weather caused for rather crisp nights enough so that it began to bother Joker as well. Being thin didn't make one acclimate to the cold as well as some. Harley slowly made her way back to his side and he pretended that he didn't notice when she wrapped herself around him.


	5. Chapter 5

_Beta: __Sno-Chan_

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Gladrial's Notes: Hey, do you guys trust us? Huh? Okay then, I know this chapter starts out really weird, but trust me, keep reading. We haven't lost our minds, promise. _

In her hands, she held a golden lasso. She innately knew it was Wonder Woman's infamous lasso of truth; you could almost feel the power radiating off of it. Harley had no idea how it had come into her possession, and it would have seemed strange to her that she didn't even seem curious about the matter, if her mind wasn't preoccupied with the marvelous opportunity that had just been handed her: That she could know, once and for all, that which she wanted to know most in the whole world.

Harley rolled over in the hay, facing her Puddin'. She desperately tried to contain her excitement as she slowly and gently wrapped the rope around his waist, so as not to wake him before her task was done. She finished by tying a knot, securing the rope, before waking him.

"Puddin'," she gently nudged. "Puddin', wake up." He stirred a little in response. "It's time to wake up," Harley tried again more forcibly, tugging at the rope.

Joker awoke with a start as one would if one felt themselves being tugged by something tied around their waist when they were supposed to be sleeping. "What the hell is this?!" he demanded.

"Don't be angry, Puddin'. I'll let you go soon. I just really have to know…Do you love me?" she asked with heart-breaking emotion.

He paused for a long while, somewhat because of the surprising situation in which he now found himself, but mostly out of shock about what he was about to say. "…Yes…Yes, I do. …Huh…Isn't that funny?" He seemed to be talking to himself, as though it was as much a revelation to him as it was her.

Harley teared up instantly. "Oh, Puddin'! I knew you did! I just…everyone makes me doubt sometimes, y'know?"

"…That's understandable," he continued distantly.

Harley was moving to embrace him when he suddenly broke out into the cold, maniacal laughter that she was all too familiar with. She increased the distance between them out of fear and confusion as he rose to his feet. When the laughter began to subside, he was finally able to speak again.

"I knew I was destined for the theater! Oh, Harley. Harley, Harley, Harley. Whatever am I going to do with you? Of course, I don't love you, you silly girl. Everyone seems to know that I'm incapable of anything remotely resembling that particular emotion...except you. Oh, you're fun," he continued, looking her up and down. "At least you are sometimes, but no matter how hard you try, I'll never ever _ever _love you." He violently yanked on the rope she still held in her hands, pulling her to her feet and inches away from him. "And you _know_ I'm telling the truth," he ended, leaning in menacingly.

---

Harley awoke, gasping with fright. Sun streamed in between the seams of the wooden walls and ceiling on the beautiful fall day, dramatically contrasting Harley mood as she frantically tried to get her bearings. She was still in the loft, that damned rope was thankfully nowhere in sight, and when she looked next to her there was settled hay that indicated someone had been sleeping there, but no Joker.

"It's about time you woke up. We need to get moving," Joker commented dryly from behind her, causing her to swiftly turn around toward his voice. He was shaking hay out of his hair while heading for the ladder.

Harley exhaled deeply. "Oh, thank God, it was just a nightmare," she breathed quietly so that he didn't hear, hugging her knees to her chest. "Puddin'," she spoke up. "I change my mind. I don't want to meet Wonder Woman."

"And I don't care," he replied as he started to descend to the ground.

Harley shook the disturbing images out of her head and followed him down.

---

"Harley, that's the last time I listen to one of your ideas!" Joker berated her after they returned to the road as he frantically scratched all over, switching hands so that one stayed on the wheel.

"How was I supposed to know hay was itchy? I've never slept in it before," she replied, feeling equally uncomfortable and trying not to break her skin with her nails.

"That little fact must have been left out of your ridiculous book," he said as he grabbed it from her lap, rolled down his window, and tossed it out.

"HEY!" Harley protested. "I hadn't finished that!"

"If I could take a shower, I'd bet the itching would stop," he ignored her. "…Oh, that's right, barns don't have showers!"

"We couldn't go to a hotel! You said we had to lay low! What do you want from me?!" Harley returned.

"Am I mistaken or are you talking back to me?" he asked dangerously. "I have no problem strangling you while I drive, Harley."

She wasn't backing down this time though. Harley was every bit as irritable as he was. The trip hadn't exactly been a picnic and, however irrational it may seem, the nightmare last night had left her with a bad taste in her mouth toward the man. "What if I am?! I've been doing everything for you on this trip and you haven't appreciated any of it! You never appreciate anything and I'm tired of it!"

He abruptly slammed the brakes and pointed out the passenger door. "Well, if you're so fucking miserable, you're welcome to leave. In fact, I fully encourage it," he said with utter confidence, knowing she'd never voluntarily leave his side. She surprised him, however, by still refusing to submit.

"Well, maybe I will," she threatened.

"Go ahead," he retorted, calling her bluff.

"I'm getting out," she threatened as she opened the door.

"Good!" he shouted.

"FINE!" she shouted back, getting out of the car.

"GREAT! I'll get there in no time with you out of the way!"

"I'M GLAD!"

"ME TOO!"

She slammed the door shut and angrily stomped off in the opposite direction. Joker forcefully pushed the gas and the car screeched off without her. It was a relief really, not having her around. He'd used her for all that was necessary anyway. He already had a car full of supplies, even a few snacks. It wasn't like he hadn't skipped meals before and, if he really pushed it, he even thought he could reach Metropolis before nightfall.

He drove on thinking positively for a few miles and fantasizing about all the horrible things that could befall Harley alone in the middle of nowhere. _She'll probably be picked up by some disgusting hick wanting to grope her,_ he dwelled pleasantly, until he remembered he didn't like anyone touching his things and then the thought just pissed him off. _No,_ he changed his mind. _But she'll definitely be recognized by someone eventually and taken in. _This cheered him up until he realized that would be an arrow pointing directly at him. They'd know where he was going…or at least have a good idea. "Shit," he cursed aloud, before making a hasty U-turn.

He retraced his path and quickly found Harley walking along the side of the road mournfully, her head drooped. This demeanor was a good sign as it meant convincing her back into the car would be easy. But as soon as she saw the car pull up beside her, she straightened her posture and haughtily continued with a new stride in her step. He groaned, realizing she wasn't going to make this easy on him.

"Come on, Harl. Get back in the car," he directed, driving slowly beside her with the window rolled down. She simply stuck her nose higher in the air and continued on as though she didn't notice him. Joker clenched at the wheel as he tried to summon forth what he had to in order to get her to cooperate. He put his most charming smile in place. "C'mon Harls, you know Daddy didn't mean it. He just gets frustrated sometimes."

Harley glanced at him briefly, but continued walking. "Why did you come back?" she asked knowingly.

"I didn't think you'd actually get out," he answered bluntly, which was actually the truth for once.

"That didn't answer my question," she replied.

He clenched the wheel tighter before answering. "I knew I was going to miss you," he lied. "I still have such a long way to go. You really have done a good job this trip. I know how difficult I can be." He caught a small grin from her then. He knew he was close. "You know how I feel," he finished. Harley gave him a full smile and dove through the window, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Just get in the car," he choked. Harley quickly placed herself back in the passenger seat, happy as could be.

When she was safely inside, Joker turned to her and said, "Hey Harl," before striking her over the head hard with one of the larger textbooks. She slumped over, unconscious. "Next time I tell you to do something, you do it!"

_Gladrial's End Notes: I love these little squabbles they have. I also love forcing Joker to play nice, so writing this chapter was a double treat. _

_Sno-Chan's End Notes:__ I have been waiting FOREVER to use that strangling line somewhere. The problem was that Harley's usually the one driving, so we had to wait for just the right situation._


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Gladrial's Notes: This is going to be a little lengthy but bear with me. We had gone back and forth between a T or M rating when we began this thing. It really all depended on Paige and whether or not she wanted to stick in any of the yummy smut she's known for. Ultimately, I had the whole thing wrapped up and it never happened. le sigh But Paige found herself inspired over the past week and, well, stuck in a little sumthin' sumthin' at the end of this chapter and who am I to say she can't do that? It's not very graphic at all but we feel it's enough to edge us up to a M rating. The problem being is that this may upset some folks that were already reading what they thought to be a safe T. _

_Obviously, since the story was already written, the addition doesn't affect the basic plot at all and so I've devised a way it can be skipped. __**If you are looking to avoid M-rated material stop reading at the 00000 break line! **__This is the only chapter that the rating will apply to in the story. We will be altering our overall rating to M in about a week or twos time but we didn't want any of you following it to think the story just disappeared. The major point being, we respect our readers and their beliefs. Right, Paige?_

_Sno-Chan: …._

_Gladrial: RIGHT, Paige?_

_Sno-Chan: mutters Yeah, yeah._

_Gladrial: Atta girl!_

_Sno-Chan's Notes: And for the record, deadlines and me are totally non-mixy things._

"Wh-what happened?" Harley awoke confused, rubbing a knot that had formed on her head.

"You're getting me food," Joker responded shortly, ignoring the question.

"…Okay," she agreed. Upon looking at the clock on the dashboard, she saw that approximately twenty minutes had gone by; just where they went, she wasn't sure.

---

After retrieving food, Harley took the wheel and they were both a little less irritable with full bellies. Though the itching had diminished somewhat, it was not gone. That, and the fact that they hadn't properly groomed over the past two nights would be enough reason to find a real shower tempting, but Joker had an even more pressing need for one:

"I've decided we're risking a hotel tonight," he told Harley while driving past a large sunflower field.

"…I don't know if that's such a good idea, Puddin'," she warned. "'Sides, we'll probably be in Metropolis tonight."

"I didn't ask!" he snapped. "And if you think I'm presenting myself to Lex looking like this, you're insane. I've got my reputation to think about."

"You're the boss," she submitted wearily.

"Damn right I am."

---

It was the middle of the afternoon when a place that suited their needs showed up on the side of the road. It was a seldom used hotel, a one story small strip barely hanging on to life. Few such establishments existed on the road after the interstates took over and Joker insisted they pull over given that a similar locale may not be found.

Harley signed in under an assumed name and moved their items into the room while Joker waited in the car. After everything they needed was transferred inside, Harley stepped out and looked both ways. Seeing that the coast was clear, she waved Joker in, who made a mad dash from the car and into the room.

"Finally," Harley breathed, relieved despite her reservations. "Now, I can get cleaned up." But Joker was already headed for the shower. "Hey!" Harley protested. "I had to unpack and everything!"

He threw his suit and her leotard at her in response, Harley catching them. "Go find a dry cleaner," he ordered before shutting himself in the dingy bathroom.

Harley sighed, thinking how much she didn't want to get back in that car. She left the room and asked the man watching the front desk directions to the nearest dry cleaners, which, it turned out, was in a small town about forty-five minutes away.

---

When she finally reached the dry cleaners, Harley was tired, still unbathed, and not really thinking about anything other than getting back to the hotel. She placed the strange clothes on the counter and added that she needed them cleaned overnight.

The attendant eyed the colorful clothes and looked back at Harley curiously.

"Uh…" Harley paused briefly while her mind came up with an explanation. "We're going to a convention in Metropolis."

"Oh yeah, I think I heard something about that," the attendant replied. "An overnight job is going to cost extra."

"That's fine," Harley answered impatiently.

---

After returning to the hotel, Harley made a beeline for the shower, only to find that the bathroom was still occupied.

"You've been in there for two hours!" Harley yelled while banging on the door. She didn't receive a response, so she sat herself in front of the television and started flipping through channels, most of which were static. "No cable," Harley muttered when Joker finally decided to emerge from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, steam following behind him. She stared daggers at him as she passed by, finally given her turn. He decided pretending he didn't notice the gesture was the funniest thing to do at the moment.

Once she had the shower before her, all angry thoughts left Harley's mind. She was still itchy from the hay and had been picking stray straws out of her hair all day, but a nice warm shower would make everything better. So she happily turned on the faucet and started to undress…every ounce of anger suddenly rushed back after she tested the water with her toe, finding all the hot water to be gone. "MISTAH J!" she shouted angrily, only to hear him suddenly erupt into laughter from the next room, having waited for the moment with uncharacteristic patience.

Harley rushed through the cleansing process, absolutely miserable in the freezing water. When finished, she walked out with a towel wrapped around her shoulders, like a shawl, in an attempt to get warm, shivering from head to toe. She looked something like a cat would after being tossed in a river.

"Awwww," Joker commented mockingly, giggling. She was almost cute when she was despondent.

"I hate you," she spat through chattering teeth.

"No, you don't," he responded simply.

"I know…it sucks," she repliedwith a childish pout, moving quickly to her stolen suitcase at the foot of the bed for another set of Frenchie's pajamas…preferably something warm.

**00000**

Joker was disinterestedly watching her bend over to rummage through the tangled mess of clothes, her bare torso casting a very nice silhouette in the light of the cheap motel lamp, when he began to get the uncomfortable feeling that he was quickly coming to associate with his ex-shrink. It was a nagging, aching sort of pull that reeked of _normalcy_.

Now, Joker didn't get these bothersome stirrings very often, but when he did they came more out of boredom and a desire to control than anything else. It was like a game he was going to win every time because Harley didn't know that they were playing it. But this…this was an itch, a twinge almost as annoying as Harley herself that must be scratched immediately if he was to get any peace for the night.

Harley had donned a set of flannel pajamas covered in innocuous pictures of sheep and crawled under the sheets on the opposite side of the bed, as close to the edge as she could get apparently. He found this rather insulting; after all he hadn't really hit her during the day…Well, except for the book thing but that hardly counted. What did she have to be so pouty about? He could have broken her legs or set her on fire and gotten a warmer reception than this!

Goddammit, she was supposed to be crawling all over him! Wasn't that what she was around for…? Well, he couldn't really remember exactly _what _he kept her around for, but that had to be one of the reasons. Rolling his eyes at her pitiful attempts to further distance herself from him, he decided to bite the bullet and just come out with it.

"Hey Harl, why not come over here and show daddy a good time?" It was a question that wasn't really a question at all, but rather a carefully constructed order that had always seemed to work in his favor bef-

"No! I'm still mad at you." He narrowed his eyes at the muffled reply from her pillow and idly noted that strangling her with the cheap lamp cord was not a viable option if he wanted his scratch for the night. The NERVE! Here he was trying to make an actual EFFORT and she's still mad about…whatever it was that happened whenever.

"I said to come over here and _screw me_! What more do you want, a soliloquy?!" he exclaimed, beginning to become frustrated at having to put actual energy into this. He shouldn't have to say any of it; she should jump to when he snapped his fingers just like that guy…on that show…Vinnie Barbarino? No, that wasn't it- Oh, she's talking again.

"- all I do and it'd be nice if you apologized fer usin' all the hot water."

"Are you still mad about that? It was, like, hours ago…" He paused, noticing her still damp blonde hair and slight shivers. Oh, maybe it had just happened. He really didn't care, but she wasn't moving towards him and he was damned if she wasn't going to cooperate so this temporary state of frustration would disappear

So he flipped her over and pinned her to the bed with all of the brute force he could muster. Her resultant struggling was half-hearted at best, as were her mumbled protests when he gripped her by the wrists. She still refused to look at him. "Harley," he bent down to whisper cruelly into her ear, "If you aren't going to play nice, then I don't have to either. You know my games aren't as fun for you when I'm left to my own devices."

Joker knew he had her then, that devoted gleam in her eye was back and her gymnast legs were wrapping themselves around his waist and he could _finally_ get this over with. At least she wasn't talking anymore.

_Harley was flattered he wanted her that badly, as much as he could anyway, and happy at what she misconstrued as interest in her, because it was just so damn hard to stay mad at him for any extended amount of time._ He didn't shove her off the bed afterwards, which was always a good sign, and even let her have part of the blanket to sleep under. She had been a little confused when he suddenly blurted out, "THE FONZ!" mid-thrust, but figured that some questions were just better left unasked.

_Gladrial's End Notes: I actually helped writing semi-ECP! I DID! ME! I'm sure my mother would be very proud. On another note, I'm a total baby when it comes to running out of hot water._

_Sno-Chan's End Notes: ...Holy shit, does this mean I can get back to my normal routine now? No more going to bed at three-thirty in the morning! These clowns are nuthin' but trouble, as I'm sure all of my fellow JHQ writers will agree. Oh, and you're welcome for that whole "Harley with just a towel around her shoulders" thing. It's okay if you re-read this too, nobody's gonna tell._


	7. Chapter 7

_Beta: __Sno-Chan_

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world._

_Sno-Chan's Notes: Look out guys, Gladrial's in her element...As opposed to the previous chapter, which was mine._

_Gladrial's Notes: Stabbity fun time!_

The next morning brought another round of thorough hygiene since they would be reaching their destination today and Joker insisted they both look their best. Harley repacked the car and Joker joined her when she signaled it was safe. The only thing out of place was their clothes, but the dry cleaner was on the way. Joker seemed to think it for the best anyway: The longer they waited to change, the crisper they'd be.

Harley found it all a little odd. She'd never seen him so picky about such things unless Batman was involved.

They were on their way, making good time, but all the while Joker subtly grew antsy. Harley could sense he was tense and when he started drumming his fingers rhythmically against the passenger door she decided to ask him what was wrong.

"Nothing," he answered distantly.

Harley left the matter alone, but when they saw a sign indicating a dramatic view off the side of the road Joker insisted they pull over. She did as she was told even though it didn't make much sense; she didn't think he was really interested in taking in the scenery. She pulled into the area reserved for sightseers and turned to him again. "What's the matter?" she insisted.

Joker responded by suddenly lunging at her without provocation. He wrapped his hands around her neck and started to squeeze. Harley couldn't so much as choke out a question to his actions but he gave her an answer anyway. "It's nothing personal, Harley. Really it isn't. I just haven't killed anyone in...about a month. You know how it is."

At that moment, another vehicle pulled into the area to take in the sight of the drop off. Joker instantly released Harley as he watched these newcomers step out of their SUV, paying no attention as she coughed and wheezed violently. The new vehicle contained a family of four. The parents were trying to get their children into the family trip, but the two teenagers seemed far from interested and remained glued to their electronic devices.

"I love killing teenagers!" Joker exclaimed. "They're so annoying. C'mon, Harl." He pulled a switchblade out of his pocket and jumped out of the car excitedly. Harley quickly composed herself and followed him.

"Enjoying the view?" Joker asked the couple who had given up on coercing their children out of the SUV.

The two teens didn't notice the commotion outside, including the screaming of their parents. The daughter was banging her head to her IPOD while her brother was thoroughly engaged in his gameboy. He didn't even take his headphones off when showing his sister that he reached a new level, to which she showed no interest.

"It's a good thing we hadn't changed yet," Joker commented, pointing at the blood on his shirt.

"So much for lying low," Harley complained at the mess they just made.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," he realized. "Well, we'll just have to get rid of the bodies. …Say, they have a nice ride! And it's not all banged up." He looked at Harley pointedly before digging in the dead man's pocket for the keys.

"Oh boy," Harley commented sarcastically. She started unpacking their car again, setting their belongings on the ground and Joker stuffed the two bodies into the front seat.

"Don't forget the license plate!" Joker warned as he headed to the other vehicle. He opened one of the back doors, quickly waking the teens from their electronic stupor. "We really like your car. Time to join mom and pop." The kids understandably didn't go along with this too easily and thrashed about in the back seat. His blade quieted them down though considerably though.

The kids' bodies were added to their car and, after Harley had removed the license plate, Joker shifted the car into neutral and they both pushed it toward the dropoff. "I was hoping to push the kids off the cliff alive," Joker conceded to Harley as they rolled the car along.

"People don't tend to sit still for that sort of thing," she replied.

"That's the problem with victims," he continued. "They never cooperate with my artistic vision."

The car plummeted off the cliff and an explosion accompanied its crash at the bottom, which delighted Joker to no end. He dug a quarter out of his pocket, went to the binocular stand set at the edge, placed the coin in, and looked at his handiwork. "…I can't make out any bodies," he said disappointedly.

"Two days," Harley commented angrily.

"What?" Joker abandoned the binoculars momentarily and turned to her.

"You said you hadn't killed anyone in about a month. It's only been two days. Two. Days!" She held up two fingers to drive the point home.

"Really?" Joker asked in disbelief. "…Huh…It felt a lot longer." He returned to the binoculars. Harley sighed and went to pack and switch license plates on their new SUV, throwing the extra one down the cliff with the burning wreckage.

It'd take awhile before the family went missing, and even longer for their bodies to be located. They'd be long gone by then.

"We'll change before we go," Joker decided. Luckily, there was a lot more room in the back of an SUV for changing compared to their old car.

_Gladrial's End Notes: Lex Luthor's actually in the next chapter! ZOMG! Finally!_

_SnoChan's End Notes: It's such a relief to have all of this WRITTEN and not have to worry about anything but the beta. Ugh, the pressure!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Beta: __Sno-Chan_

_Permission to archive: __All you have to do is ask._

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world. _

Gladrial's Notes: I'm so excited that Lex is finally in the scene. A big thanks to Sno-Chan for making this chapter flow nicer. I didn't realize how awkward some of it read until after her beta. 

_Sno-Chan's Notes: And let that stand as a prime example of what a beta can do for_ _you._

Lex Luthor was sitting at the head of a long mahogany table, the surface of which shone enough to cast his reflection. He was in a meeting, discussing the progress of several projects he had going for the military, his company having developed some new weaponry systems that could potentially revolutionize fighting abroad. The plan was to deliver watered down versions to the military while keeping elite prototypes for himself. The government would never know the difference and Lex liked keeping the upper hand.

In the midst of this meeting, he felt his cell phone begin to vibrate. He quickly checked the caller ID, chose to ignore it, and continued with the business at hand. The expression on his face was unchanged and no one would have guessed that there was anything peculiar about the call, much less that it was from the world's most notorious mass murderer.

Not a minute later his phone started alerting him again. This time, if one paid close attention, you could have caught a flash of irritation as he returned to the phone once again. There was a text message that simply read, "You have five minutes to return my call."

Lex rose to his feet. "Gentlemen, Ladies, I'm afraid we're going to have to reschedule." He left the room, Mercy following behind loyally, and headed to his private office.

---

Joker and Harley were back in their familiar 'work clothes'. Joker had driven part of the way in order for Harley to meticulously apply her makeup. Whiting out every inch of her face properly took time, but she was getting faster at it. Harley had finished and was behind the wheel at the moment as they continuously circled the Lexcorp building.

"He didn't answer?" Harley asked disappointedly.

"Oh, don't you worry. He will," Joker replied with certainty. They circled the building silently for a few more minutes until Joker's phone began to ring. "So glad you called, Lexy," he answered. "I thought I was going to have to throw a hissy fit."

"_What do you want_?" Luthor asked coldly from the other end. "_I'm rather busy at the moment_."

"Please! When are you not busy? Honestly Lex, you could use a vacation."

"_What. Do. You. Want_?" Luthor repeated forcefully.

"You owe me a favor."

"_No, I don't_," Luthor responded quickly and confidently.

"Yes, you do," Joker returned.

"_No. I really don't_," Luthor continued stubbornly.

"Listen Lex, you can either admit that you do, like we both know you do, or we can continue to argue, which is only going to piss me off and probably inspire me to set off some explosives in your building. No one wants that…Well, I'd enjoy it but that's beside the point. Now we both know I won't get to you and I'll eventually be drug away to the funny farm, but not without shouting some stuff I'm sure the press would love to hear. So what's it going to be?"

"…_You're already here, aren't you_?"

"Now Lex, you had to suspect as much or you wouldn't have bothered to return my call at all."

Lex was silent for a moment before answering. "_I'll have Mercy show you up_."

---

"Our friend from Gotham is here," Lex Luthor revealed to Mercy. "Would you escort him up?" He asked politely but it wasn't really a question.

Mercy didn't let it show, but a wave of disgust ran through her at the thought of the clown. "Yes sir, Mr. Luthor. By 'escort', do you mean…"

"No, no, at least not yet," he answered. "We'll see what he wants first. He does come in useful from time to time, after all."

---

Not long after, Joker and Harley found themselves in an elevator alongside Mercy, heading to the top floor. Mercy was a bit taken aback by his companion but was careful not to let on. Still, she wished there were some way she could alert her boss about the new development.

While Joker was completely calm, Harley was beyond nervous about meeting the successful tycoon. She expected to feel that way a little bit, but it was only compounded by Joker when he suddenly started examining her appearance before Mercy arrived, making sure it met with his approval, and quickly giving her instructions on how he expected her to behave. Above all, he had told her to keep her mouth shut and let him do all the talking.

Harley was dwelling on the story Joker had told her when they first started out on their trip, reminding her of what the man they were about to see was capable of, when the elevator's ding indicated that they had reached the top, causing Harley's stomach to swim all the more. _Just stay behind Mistah J and don't say anything_, she told herself, silently. _That's easy_.

"I trust you had a good trip," Lex commented as they entered his presence. "And just who is this?" he asked with a smile upon seeing Harley. This didn't help Harley's nerves as she was hoping to stay relatively unnoticed.

"Her?" Joker waved Harley away with a dismissive gesture. "Nobody."

Lex moved to introduce himself anyway. "How'd an attractive woman like yourself end up with this clown? Does he make you dress like that? I wouldn't be surprised. He's rather difficult, isn't he?" he teased. The fact that he was clearly using the moment to anger Mistah J wasn't putting her any more at ease.

"Don't you think we have more important things to discuss?" Joker commented irritably.

"You're the one that came into my town uninvited. You'll let me enjoy this," Luthor returned, before directing his attention back to Harley. "What's your name, dear?"

"I don't wanna go into outer space!" Harley blurted out suddenly, creating a confused expression on Lex's face.

"What is she talking about?" Lex asked Joker, who was massaging one temple in response to Harley's outburst.

"Honestly, I don't even know half the time," he answered.

"Well, she's nice to look at anyway," Luthor said with a shrug before turning his attention to the business at hand. "I hope you understand that there is only so much I'll be willing to do for you," he began as he placed himself behind his large desk, indicating Joker take one of the seats on the opposite side. Joker recognized this as the submissive place of an employee, but sat himself down nonetheless, making up for the gesture by rudely propping his feet on the desk's surface.

"Luckily for you, I've come across hard times," Joker replied.

"Yes, I saw something about that on CNN." Lex sneered at the bottom of the clown's spats.

"Really!" Joker hadn't had an opportunity to catch any television in the past couple of days. "Did they get my good side?"

"The point is," Luthor continued, ignoring his question, "That you've brought all this trouble along with you into _my_ town. You really are a nuisance."

"I wasn't followed. It's not like this is my first time on the run," he commented bitterly. "Do you think I don't know what I'm doing?"

Harley was left to the wayside, completely ignored, helping her to relax a little. She attempted to strike up a conversation with Luthor's…well, she wasn't quite sure what Mercy was. She looked something like a chauffeur. "Men," she scoffed. "Am I right?" Mercy didn't acknowledge the comment and continued staring at a blank point she had chosen on the wall, completely stoic.

Since talking seemed to be out of the question, Harley started poking around one corner of the room, examining various books and knickknacks that she imagined were extraordinarily expensive. Harley reached out to a particularly delicate artifact that caught her eye, alerting Mercy, who snapped, "Don't touch that!" This startled Harley, causing her to jump and make contact with a small display table behind her. The vase perched on top crashed to the floor, shattering instantly.

"HARLEY!" Joker yelled as both men looked to see what had made the commotion.

"She made me do it!" Harley accused, pointing at Mercy.

"SIT!" Joker ordered, as one would a dog.

"But-" she tried to argue.

"No buts! SIT!" Joker pointed to the ground and Harley plopped to the floor with a pout. "I tell ya, Lex, that girl can't ever seem to keep her hands to herself. Know what I'm saying?" he added, suggestively.

Lex couldn't help but smile. "I tell you what. My favor to you can be not making you pay for that."

"That thing was hideous anyway," Joker answered. "Look, all I need is a place to hole up for a little while, until the heat dies down. See? No biggie."

"Unless you're found and it comes back to me. Am I supposed to think you're just going to sit where I put you quietly? You might not have noticed, but self control isn't exactly your strong suit."

"I tell you what. We can just stay here under your watchful eye. It'll be fun! We can watch movies and eat popcorn and Harley here can break more of your stuff," Joker offered sarcastically. "Of all the things I could be asking in return for your favor, this is nothing. You're getting off easy and you know it. If I wasn't in such a predicament, there's no way I'd waste it on something so trivial. You should be ecstatic."

Lex nodded in concession. "You have one week. One. Week. After that, I expect you to be out of Metropolis. And _try_ to behave yourself. If you get yourself arrested, that's on you, but I really don't need any more of your bad publicity."

"Gotcha," Joker agreed and the two men rose to their feet, shaking hands on the deal. "I expect something swanky though, Lex."

Luthor smiled, smugly. "What's the point of having money, if I can't use it to gloat?"

---

Jacob Pratt was promised the finest suite the hotel had to offer. He deserved as much after all, saving one of Lexcorp's overseas ventures from virtual bankruptcy. Now, he was finally back in the states, ready to begin a new chapter of his life. A chapter called retirement. All he had left to do was a final assessment meeting with Luthor about his replacement and what should be projected. He really didn't think it'd last more than five minutes. For whatever reason, Luthor didn't seem terribly interested in saving the venture in question and Pratt was given the job more for show than anything; he wasn't really expected to get anything done, but he had proved the nay-sayers wrong. Respect was certainly due, but, at the moment, wasn't being given.

"I demand to see the manager!" the round man shouted, puffing himself up, which really only served to make him look rounder.

"I am the manager, sir. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but this room must be vacated. I assure you the suite you're being transferred to has nearly all the accommodations of this one."

"Nearly?! I don't want _nearly_. I'm retiring in two days. I've had this coming!"

"I do apologize," the manager continued politely. "We have reason to believe there may be a gas leak in your room. It's really for your own safety, sir."

"A gas leak? That just happens to be focused exclusively in your finest suite? I don't think so. You're pushing me out for someone else!"

"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist you cooperate," the manager finished shortly.

He had little choice in the manner. Room service had already pushed their way through and started 'complimentarily' packing his things. Pratt continued to express his displeasure of being treated in such an infuriating manner, threatening to take the matter up with Luthor when they had their meeting.

The manager quickly cleared the hallway as ordered. The truth was he really didn't have an answer for Pratt anyway. His instructions had been rather mysterious. All he knew was that he was supposed to clear the room, ignore giving it any turndown service over the next week (nor have it entered for any reason), and to leave any ordered room service at the door. He had no idea who was going to be occupying it but they definitely wanted their privacy.

---

Mercy had escorted the Joker and Harley up to their hideout for the week. The beautifully decorated hotel room was certainly a nice change of pace from abandoned warehouses, broken down carnivals, ramshackle motels, and, of course, barns. Harley bounded about the suite, excitedly pointing out all the amenities.

"Mistah J! They have those little complimentary booze bottles!" She pulled two out of the fridge and waved them at him in proof.

"That's all you need," he commented sarcastically.

"I trust this meets with your satisfaction," Mercy drawled in disgust.

"MISTAH J!" Harley called from the balcony. "THERE'S A JUCUZZI OUT HERE!"

"It'll do," Joker nonchalantly answered, dismissing Mercy.

Harley reentered the opulent suite in an awe-inspired fashion. "Puddin', I _really_ like your friend."

"Lex? He's alright, I suppose." Joker reflected a moment before continuing, "He's good for a laugh and is occasionally useful, like today."

"Wanna order room service?" Harley squeaked, bouncing excitedly, the phone's receiver already in her hand.

"Hell yeah, I do!" Joker said with a smile. "I'm not picking up the tab."

_Gladrial's End Notes: Next week is our finale. But fear not, we have a sequel in the works._

_Sno-Chan's End Notes: Oh, now you're just scaring them. _


	9. Chapter 9

_Gladrial's Notes: Presenting the final chapter. I'm rather sad it's over because I really enjoyed every little bit of this story. It practically wrote itself in my opinion, which is much easier than wrestling with a storyline like I am at the moment for an upcoming piece. Ah well, all good things must come to an end. We appreciate all the reviews and hope you'll join us next time._

_Sno-Chan's Notes: My goodness, what a terrifying, stressful, and yet satisfying time we've had writing this! Hope you've all enjoyed the ride and we'll be seeing y'all real soon for more adventures!_

Harley leaned against the balcony's railing, taking in the view the city had to offer, while intermittedly shifting her gaze to the night sky. She continued this way, uncharacteristically patient, for some time before Joker joined her side.

"What are you looking for?" he asked, knowingly.

"Just lookin' at the city," she answered.

"Don't lie to me, Harley. You've never been very good at it. You're looking for _him_."

"Can ya blame me?" she squeaked meekly.

"…No. Not really," he conceded. "You got to keep a sharp eye to catch the boy in blue though."

"It's a beautiful city," Harley pointed out, eliciting a disappointed grunt from the Joker. "…A nice place to visit, but I prefer Gotham," she finished truthfully.

"And why's that?" Joker pried.

"I dunno. It's a hard thing to put your finger on." She pondered the question for a moment before arriving at an answer. "Gotham has character."

"That's my girl." He gave a sly smile and pinched her cheek sharply. After he released her she beamed back at him, while rubbing the cheek where he had clenched too harshly.

Harley looked down once again, the street far below, when she saw a blue streak zoom past. "Oh, look!" she exclaimed, pointing down. "Right there! Did ya see?!"

"Yep, there he goes," he answered with mostly disinterest. "Probably off to rescue some defenseless cat from an overly aggressive tree. And here I am, right under his nose. His priorities are all screwed up. Ooh!" he suddenly brightened. "Or maybe he's going to pummel Lex!" They both diverted their attention to the Lexcorp building.

"Shouldn't we warn him?" Harley asked.

"What's the fun in that?" he quipped, but it was clear after a few moments that Lex was not Superman's target that evening. A scowl spread across Joker's face. "Stupid Metropolis cats," he complained before returning inside disappointedly, Harley following behind.

Harley started collecting half-eaten plates, carrying a wide variety of food items. The fine eating was a welcome change of pace from the fast food they had been forced to eat on their trip. Joker had ordered both steak and lobster and Harley was pretty sure the lobster was only there to tick her off. God, she hated everything about seafood, including the smell. She held her nose as she placed the plate containing the lobster shell on the floor outside the door.

Joker was looking rather distraught, sprawled across the couch.

"What's wrong, Puddin'?" Harley asked with concern. "Everything worked out okay."

"I don't think I'm going to make it, Harls," he admitted. "I'm bored already."

Harley grabbed her neck instinctively, remembering the incident at the drop off. "M-maybe if you had something to look forward to?" she suggested.

"Like what?" he asked, irritably, anger already taking over him.

"I-I don't know," she sputtered, backing away from him as she tried to think of something. Unfortunately she backed into a table once again, jarring a few pieces of china off their stable surface and onto the floor. Harley tensed instantly at the sound of the breaking valuables. Joker paused, looking at the mess she made, while she stayed frozen in place, and quickly erupted into laughter.

"I forgot to tell you how funny it was when you broke that vase in Lex's office," he commented.

"It-it was? But…I really didn't mean to," Harley admitted.

"I know! It wouldn't have been nearly as funny if you had." He looked around briefly, taking in his surroundings. "This room is full of valuable crap. Wanna help me tear it up the day we leave?" Harley nodded excitedly. "Well, that's something to look forward to and there just might be an unfortunate accident with whoever drops off our food that day."

"Sounds like fun," Harley replied. "And to pass the time right now, I'll bet you're on TV."

"I _love _being on TV!" Joker instantly went for the remote, while Harley went to the fridge, retrieving two bottles and returning to the couch, offering one to the Joker. He took both and Harley stared briefly at her empty hands before sitting next to him. He merrily watched himself on the news, while she silently prayed that she could get him through the week without him requiring her death.

---

It had been a harrowing week for Lex. He knew some level of supervision was going to have to accompany the clown so he kept track of everything that was demanded from his room. There were a variety of items that seemed relatively harmless: some movies, a couple of remote control airplanes, a trampoline. (He had conceded to let that one go). But when he was provided another list of demands including a slip 'n slide and a bowling ball, he decided a visit was in order.

He walked into the room to find all the furniture pushed aside to make room for the slip 'n slide, water streaming across it and onto the carpet. They had both apparently gotten bored with this, as he found them dripping wet on the balcony. Harley, in a very revealing two-piece, slid out of the way at Luthor's presence, but Joker was far too preoccupied to have even noticed him approaching. What Lex saw was a shirtless Joker propping a bowling ball on the railing of the balcony.

"Need a towel?" Lex asked, snapping Joker out of his activity. "…Or a shirt?"

"Hi Lex, nice of you to visit," Joker replied, returning to his bowling ball.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, I _was_ going to drop this bowling ball and watch it hit the pavement…or hopefully an innocent bystander. Wanna watch?"

Lex leaned over the railing, peering at the ground below, and then glanced back at the bowling ball and did look as though he wouldn't mind the show.

"You know you want to," Joker tempted.

"Give me that!" Lex snatched the ball out of his hands, causing Joker to drop into a deep pout. "It looks as though I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on you," he threatened. "Perhaps I need to install cameras throughout this suite."

"Go ahead. Me and Harley will be sure to give you a good show," Joker answered.

"No. Killing." Lex turned to make his exit.

"You know what your problem is Lex? You're too wound up. You'd be a lot more fun if you'd just learn to relax." Lex ignored the comment as he reached the door. "Can I have my bowling ball back?" Joker asked as he left.

"NO!" he shouted, slamming the door behind him.

Fortunately, the week was over and all that remained was cleaning up whatever mess they'd made. He had sent Mercy to assess the situation. "I take it everything's ruined?" he asked when Mercy phoned him.

"_Yes. They trashed everything…but that's not the major concern_," she answered.

"What _is_ the major concern?" Lex asked between clenched teeth.

"_Double homicide. Looks like two of the housekeepers._"

Lex felt like throwing the phone, but kept his cool. "Clean it up," he instructed. "Make it disappear. No police."

"_Understood, sir._"

"Oh, and Mercy?"

"_Yes, sir_?"

"Remind me to never deal with that clown again."

_Gladrial: I've literally just discovered that Heath Ledger has died as I was about to post this. I don't really know what to say other than I'm upset. Regardless if you agree with the casting choice, I think he was trying to do great things for the character. This is a sad day._


End file.
